Vintage

Chapter 1) Can Marriage Survive?


The 21st century has produced countless revolutionary changes in our lives and the very fabric of our society.  Marriage cannot escape this state of transformation.  According to 2008 Centers for Disease Control data, the current national divorce rate is 49.3%,1 and in some areas of the country, the divorce rate is an alarming 56%.2  It is clear the institution of marriage needs help.  Understanding the complexity of our relationships and how fragile they can be in these demanding times may be more difficult than ever conceived.   Fortunately, there is a great deal of practical and sound advice available from professionals in the field of marital counseling.  But what if it were possible to have a different view, one from another type of marital expert that was based on personal marital success?  If it were possible to learn from those whose expertise was defined by years and years of happiness together, wouldn’t that be valuable?  

    Of course.  Their answers are here.  So is their guidance.  These are their voices.  Voices of those successfully married couples that lived and learned the lessons of the extraordinary marriage.  What they bestow upon those of us who are seeking relationship success are the cherished answers of how to attain a lifetime of love.  Through their voices these extraordinary couples offer over 5,000 years of collective marital expertise.  Their voices and their wisdom are the body of this writing.  Their stories tell us how friendship is cultivated, how words need to be spoken, how special they make one another feel, how critical touch is, the fun and laughter that is possible, the dreams that can be attained, and how love is intertwined in all.  For anyone seeking and wanting to understand what a soul mate is, for anyone wanting to learn how to keep a fire burning for decades, for anyone wanting to learn how to make love stronger, and for those yearning how to overcome serious conflict, these answers can be found in their tales of love and time. 

 My journey of discovery started many years ago.  I was on a business trip to Los Angeles.  I had planned a short trip with a full day of client meetings, dinner and socializing.  My plane landed Sunday afternoon, and after reaching the hotel, I decided to check out the Chinese restaurant across the street.  The parking lot had enough cars to satisfy me, so I walked in.  The details of that Sunday are etched on my mind as if it were yesterday.  I was seated in a booth next to an older couple engaged in some very animated conversation.  They were sitting on the same side of the booth, which caught my attention.  I thought, you don’t see this very often!  As I watched their faces, I was amazed.  I was so intrigued by this couple that I glanced over at them several times throughout the meal.  I watched the energy and magnetism circulating between them.  It became obvious that there was something incredibly different about their relationship.   They enjoyed each other’s company more than I had ever seen demonstrated by anyone.  There was laugher, there was poking, there was teasing, there was mutual admiration, there was companionship, there was fun.  All pointed to the existence of true love.  I typically didn’t interrupt or intrude on a meal, but I couldn’t help myself. 

I introduced myself and asked, “Are you celebrating a special occasion or are you out on a first date?” 

“Not really,” he laughed.  “We’re out on our Sunday date dinner and a movie.” 

“We’ve been doing this so long I can’t remember when we started,” she stated.  “We used to play golf until Jim’s rthritis got bad.  Now we go to the movies.”

“Nice,” I paused for a moment and then asked, “How long ave you been together?”

“Married for forty-six years this May,” he beamed, both of is hands wrapped around her left hand as if holding a precious gift. 

“Four kids and eleven grandchildren.  They keep us young.”  Her eyes glassed up a little as she spoke and placed her ight hand on top of his forearm.
 
“Congratulations…and thanks.”  I politely withdrew from aving interrupted their meal. 

Wow, forty-six years.  There was no doubt about their love and the fire that had consumed them at the atypical age of seventy or so.  I was impressed and amazed by the obvious love they displayed, what together they had nurtured.  As I finished my meal, I reflected on the married couples I had seen in my life and wondered why I had never seen this level of love in their marriages.  Furthermore, I wondered, if I searched hard enough, would it be possible to find similar loving relationships with other successfully married couples?  More importantly, since this was the first time I had witnessed a husband and wife display a truly special and genuine relationship, I asked myself, “How could I find that for my wife and me?”

Fast forward about ten years later.  On the same interstate as the Chinese restaurant in southern California, just a few more miles south on I-405, on La Cienega Boulevard in Hollywood, is a billboard boasting, Life is Short, Have an Affair.  This billboard is an advertisement for a dating service and its web site.  At that time, the service proclaimed about 1.5 million subscribers.  As of the writing of this book it had grown to 4.4 million.  The billboard, an advertisement for the AshleyMadison.com web site, is predominately aimed at married couples for potential clients.  The service’s purpose:  to arrange for a “hook up” for subscribers to cheat on their spouse.  Cable News Network’s (CNN) Erica Hill interviewed the president of AshleyMadison.com’s service in April of 2007. 

Erica asks, “How is your service not encouraging infidelity?”

Darren Morgenstern, the owner of the site, defended his business model very calmly. 

“It is very difficult to encourage infidelity.  Just because it is being advertised, doesn’t mean that someone will act outside of their moral code.  The reality is that people cheat, people stray.  And if you are somebody that’s looking to have an affair…and you’re feeling that anxiousness…you shouldn’t feel bad about that.”

“You shouldn’t feel bad about cheating on your spouse?” rica questioned. 

“People are going to cheat anyway, and if you are, you can meet with like minded people.  You should be with people ho want to feel like you do, and sympathize with you.  You hould have the opportunity to go down that path,” Morgenstern replied. 

The CNN journalist retorted, “And should this be the path ather than counseling if one spouse is feeling that anxiousness?” 

“Certainly we believe that talking with your spouse and seeking counseling is appropriate.  This route would be the last option,” answered Morgenstern. 

There are those that would believe that his service panders to people, which is a crime in most states.

Being a marketer by education, I well understand that California is typically a test market for many product introductions.  But this was much more than a service introduction in a California test market.  It was more than a commentary on California culture.  It was a barometer of the decline in values of our present culture and society. 

What a Ying and Yang perspective.  The couple I observed in the restaurant and the billboard couldn’t be farther apart in the relationship landscape.  Given these two very opposite views that I observed in this spectrum, the question I asked was:  given our cultural changes as reflected on the Los Angeles billboard, is the long-term love and happiness like that observed in the California couple attainable in a new marital relationship today?  Could a couple married in the 21st century stay married for a lifetime and live as happily as the couple I met in the restaurant? 

It was not only the existence of the numerous web sites promoting infidelity that provided evidence of our declining values and attitudes toward the sanctity of marriage.  There are a significant number of indicators, which we examine in detail in the next several chapters.  Overall, a disturbing picture appears to be developing in respect to what was once valued most--marriage and the family.  An alarming trend of focusing on individual satisfaction, rather than on couples, is developing.  We seem to find it harder to think past ourselves, or beyond looking out for “numero uno.” 

I questioned whether it would be possible to impact this trend.  If it were indeed possible, what would need to happen?  Considering the couple in Los Angeles who had found this unique connection, I wondered if I could find other couples with similar types of relationships that could be studied.  Would it be possible to learn how they had attained similar harmony?  Would it be possible to find the insights to guide new couples in the life long marriages they hoped for?  What could they tell those of us who were searching for this “Holy Grail?” 

And thus began my journey to find the answers.

My search would focus on couples who had been successfully married for more than 25 years.  I would seek to learn from couples that considered each other soul mates, best friends, and the love of  their lives.  These couples would profess to have found something very rare and special with each other.  I sought to learn essentially two things:  first, what were the important relationship characteristics they found that allowed them to be successfully married for so many years?  Second, based upon what they had learned over decades together, what advice or knowledge could they share with others striving to attain similar happiness?  Essentially, how does a couple maintain true love that lasts for decades and longer?

I accomplished this by developing a three-part study.  Initially, I interviewed successfully married couples to understand the basic elements of what was important to them in their choice of a mate, and what they did to keep things special for the long-term.  The interview question, “What makes you love one another?” required these couples to establish a broader definition of their love for one another.  As they shared their views of love, we explored the deeper meaning built by their coupled lives.  They helped me break their love down into separate characteristics.  As I interviewed more couples, I was able to identify and establish more of these building blocks.

These initial interviews were used to construct a quantitative survey, which I would use in the second part of the study.  This survey was based upon the characteristics identified by these initial couples as important.  Through these surveys, successfully married couples would provide their perspectives on the relative importance of these building blocks.  For example, the end result would determine if friendship was more important than values, or perhaps, communication. 

In the third part of the study, an interview-survey was conducted using twenty-one questions that were designed to get couples to share their viewpoints, behaviors, and experiences specific to their relationships.  They were asked open-ended questions.  What was it that they considered special about one another?  What attracted them to one another?  What special things did they do for one another?  How had they faced their greatest challenges?  What were their most memorable events?  How had they kept their love alive and strong?  They would provide keen insights to these valuable key relationship dimensions.  From these couples we could finally learn what elements went into the building of these fundamental blocks essential to knowing long-term love.

Considering that I could find couples similar to the one I met in the Chinese restaurant, I still had a concern about the impact of the changing societal values on these building blocks.  There is no doubt that the AshleyMadison.com billboard and dating web site provides evidence of the changes in our social and technological environment.  Such changes made me wonder if that same successfully married couple, which I had met so many Sundays ago, exchanged vows today, would be able to thrive in spite of the changes in the cultural environment.  Would they still experience the same relationship successes, given the apparent irrational evolution of our society?  What about newlyweds?  If they knew the building blocks of long-term love, would it be possible for them to apply, integrate, and learn from these successful couples?  Could this bond of love that lasted and proved itself for decades thrive in today’s environment for any couples entering their marital journey? 

In thinking about the answers to these questions, my journey of discovery would be guided by three objectives.  First, I had to seek out and learn from these personal experts in marriage and relationships.  They would prove by their own experience of a collective 5,000 years of marriage that long-term true love is indeed possible.  This was evidenced in marriages of twenty-five years or longer.  The longest was an incredible seventy years.  Second, I wanted to investigate what was influencing and causing relationship failures to increase in our recent times.  Third, I wanted to understand if newlyweds and couples considering marriage were given the right tools and views, could they fully appreciate and embrace these building blocks that helped make these long term marriages so successful?  Or would these couples need more help to be successful -- such as knowledge of the worldly influences that might stress, tear down, or even break their relationship apart?  If they were wise to these factors, would it be possible in spite of the current trends, to live happier and longer together?  Would the have the foresight of entering marriage with eyes wide open to these influences?  My hope was the answer would indeed be yes. 

My search was targeted at couples who possessed a substantial amount of marital expertise.  In addition to the first criteria of length of marriage, I searched for couples who truly had something to offer others.  This marital expertise would be evidenced by the love that they expressed and displayed to one another.  In addition, the couples would need to be able to discuss and share insights as to their personal successful relationship characteristics.  They would have to reflect in word and action that they had a relationship that was indeed special.  Since there are many couples who have lived together for decades, I had to search for those unique couples still in love.  Couples with practical advice they were willing to share; practical advice that could be identified, named, and duplicated.  Many of the participants would ultimately be referrals from individuals who were aware of my study.

My search was not easy.  Consider my parents, for example, who were married over 30 years.  I can honestly say that they had many happy experiences.  My mother was a statuesque beautiful Brazilian with dark hair and olive skin.  My father was a well-traveled professor from the Philippines who kept himself in shape with frequent tennis.  When I was young, it felt as though my parents were head over heels in love with each other.  I imagine such a love started when they met.  But when I came of age to sense the electricity between them in the latter years, I had to admit that there didn’t seem to be very much left.  The television often became entertainment and company.  As they grew older, my father and mother became a good example of the fact that longevity in marriage didn’t guarantee that “true” love and happiness would thrive forever.  I observed other couples, similar to my parents, who seemed to have found comfort simply co-existing.  This situation seemed to be commonplace within my parents’ and my grandparents’ generation, somewhere in the pre-Baby Boom era.  There were observable levels of differences in these marriages.  At one level were the marriages whose couples stayed together for companionship.  At another level were commonalities and friendship that bonded couples in their long-term relationship.  A good example of this was couple who lived near my family home in New Jersey in a two-story brick home.  Ever since I can remember, we went to the same church.  They would often visit, and our families would dine together.  As I reflect on their relationship, it was evident that they were good friends and companions, but lacking in the electricity that existed between the couple I observed in the Chinese restaurant.  These family friends went to church together, enjoyed wonderful meals together, did chores together, sat on the porch relaxing, and occasionally would spend an evening out dancing, something my parents particularly enjoyed.  I came to believe that this was the way married life was supposed to be.  I didn’t have any other relationship benchmarks.  Still I admired what they had built together and their commitment to one another.  The ability of all these couples to go the distance deserves to be admired for their contribution to enduring marriages. 

Yet in comparison to the couple in the Chinese restaurant, there is a marked difference between what I observed between my parents and their close circle of friends from a relationship view.  The restaurant couple seemed to have found and demonstrated a real, unconditional, unquestionable, soul-encompassing, immortal love and happiness that was clearly unmistakable.  Their partnership was triumphant for more than four decades.  By their own definition, this couple was indeed each other’s soul mates.  

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that observing this couple once doesn’t make more than a single reference point, and that all couples have good days and they have bad days.  Realistically, they hope that the good days outnumber the bad ones.  But quite candidly, what I observed between this couple was so overwhelming and amazing that I was moved to talk with them.  Through this brief interaction I came to believe their actions that day were symbolic of their life together.  They demonstrated a soul-encompassing love for one another.  I was fortunate enough in that brief moment to witness its existence.

Winston Churchill once said, “The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.”  Thus, I approached my long journey of discovery in small steps to uncover truly incredible wisdom.  I ultimately interviewed over a hundred couples who not only unveiled that real, long-lasting, shatter-proof love, but who also found something much more special. 

Don Hutchinson proudly beamed:  “She is one in a million…my love for Helen grows every day.”

What Don and Helen and other couples demonstrated for me is captured in this work.  Specifically, it is the essence of their love, joy, discovery, and appreciation of each other’s uniqueness.  What is illustrated here is about how and what they found in each other, including their relationship.  More importantly, for those who would like to learn from their experiences, this lesson is about how carefully they went about cultivating their love.  Their stories are quite moving and inspirational.  I laughed and cried with them, shared their proud moments of triumph and despair, felt the pangs of recounted situations they might have handled differently, and basked in the friendship and love that kept them going on for so, so, long.  I consider myself blessed to have been able to traverse this journey of enlightenment with these special couples as they relived some of the most important experiences of their lives together.  I still laugh as I recall some of the bantering, badgering, and teasing that playfully went on.  Their stories were told with emotions and spirit that were almost indescribable…love, pride, passion, completeness, fun and fulfillment.  There was something unique in their eyes and etched upon their faces as they attentively listened to and watched one another, many hand in hand.  Other hands were rubbing shoulders or playfully caressing their loved one.  Teasing, laughing, eyes tearing, hearts moving, souls in unison reminisced about their times together – tough as well as great.  Voices of the songs that were sung for one another; poems penned, seas that were navigated, mountains scaled, the fulfilled hopes, and the thousands of miles that were well traveled together.  There was something truly special that emanated from deep within them. 

Theirs is the type of love that is idealistic, has been romanticized, and is eternal…where even after twenty-seven years of marriage, Rose says: I still get butterflies whenever I hear Dean’s car pulling into the garage after work.” 

However, prior to meeting these couples, I did not believe that marriages like these lasting 40 or 50 years were possible.  I still questioned whether future long-term marriages could survive in this day and age.  I believed that marriages lasting decades or more were a product of an environment that had long been gone.  That society, environment, political, social and cultural norms are light years away from where we are today.  I believed that this type of love and long-lasting relationship stability was all but gone.

  In 1998 the national divorce rate was greater than 50% of the total marriages.  Ten years later, in 2008, the national divorce rate dropped to 49.3% of all marriages; a minor reduction, but still a staggering amount.4  If someone decided to “take the plunge” the chances were about one-in-two that the marriage wouldn’t last for decades.  The reality is the odds would be against it lasting at all.  Would there be any way that this current generation could find the true, genuine, long-lasting love that the couples I met had found?  Unfortunately, our culture hasn’t cultivated fertile grounds for marital success.  Taking a cue from the extra-marital relationship marketers and promoters, the situation is not being helped.  Fewer and fewer people are able to find answers to the relationship paradox. 

One of my greatest concerns for this generation and its views on marriage is that very few positive marital role models exist.  Consider the great number of broken homes, the number of single parent families, and the dysfunctional characteristics displayed by many families in general.  There is a prevailing attitude amongst some women that a husband is not needed in order to raise a child.  What we are left with is an environment where true role-model behavior -- displayed between a husband and wife for the benefit and survival of their family and future of their children -- becomes harder and harder to find.  As a result, it has become much more difficult for society to have a successful and clean-cut marital model to follow. 

At a marriage conference I attended in San Francisco in July, 2008, a keynote speaker pointed out that the family unit is eroding, and is in a critical stage of decline.  Some of the reasons noted above were blamed.  He also pointed out that no culture has ever survived the breakdown of the family unit.5 

This fact cannot, it must not, be taken lightly.

I think the most telling indicator for me was the shock I experienced at a recent wedding.  As usual, the minister prayed for the young couple after they exchanged their vows.  But at this wedding, he did not proclaim the usual message of “go forth in love and be fruitful.”  Instead, he cautioned them about the outside influences that would apply pressure on their relationship to undermine it.  He prayed for their strength to ward off such temptation and negative influences.  In essence, his message was to “watch your back as well as your spouse’s.”  It was the first “Caveat Emptor” (buyer beware) blessing that I had ever heard!

I found this blessing to be quite puzzling.  I needed to try and make sense of it.  The left side of my brain told me that I could logically find an answer to this relationship conundrum.  I was certain that the path to “enlightenment” existed.  I believed that it could be defined.  If not for me, then perhaps for my sons; or anyone else who wanted advice on what being successful in marriage required.  After all, we have the best of intentions when starting a relationship and progressing towards a more meaningful existence with that perfect mate.  For some of us, the hard part is finding the right individual.  For others, it’s getting through the process of “not killing one another” and beginning to build a foundation of love and friendship to carry one through.  Some have challenges with both.  The rest of us are just plainly puzzled by the nature of all of the rapid changes in our environment and the effect they might have on our relationship.  The good news is that I truly believe it is possible to make sense of these challenges.

In the course of conducting and concluding my research, I have found insights to these questions and issues.  For many, the counsel provided will no doubt provide needed answers in how to make a relationship work.  For others, it should provide an interesting view of what we need to do to protect what we have in our relationship and marriage.  For those who might be seeking a mate, there are some valid filters for you to think about.  This wisdom will help you determine what level of compatibility you have with your potential mate for the long-term.  This perspective and knowledge comes from the benefit of greater than 5,000 years of successful marital experience and collective wisdom. 

I have uncovered and learned a vast amount of information, much of which I wish I had learned a long time ago. 

Why?  Looking back at my life, with my relationships and lessons, it appears that I defaulted to making my own “personal relationship study” a twenty-five year long curriculum.  I had been an individual who had been trying to find the Holy Grail of that perfect relationship for a long time.  I can tell you about many of the U-turns and hard left turns that I made, and those that you shouldn’t take.  It’s not that I couldn’t find happiness and comfort in some of my relationships.  It’s just that some wound up being “test drives” for compatibility and ultimately, marriage.  And it’s not that I couldn’t find happiness and success in marriage.  I just didn’t know how to make it work for the long-term.  Therefore, lessons needed to be learned.  But now I’m confident that I can personally define for myself who that soul mate is, the one heart that beats with mine, and who will do so the remaining steps of my life.  I can do so with the voices of thousands of years of relationship wisdom coaching me along.

Keeping that in sight, the real lessons and successful experiences in this book are coming from the experts who understand exactly what works in cultivating marital and soul-bonding unity, as reflected in their radiant eyes and loving smiles for one another.  I’m just here for the ride, and to impart my personal experiences and discovery in the ever-changing world of the art and science of “relationship management.”

On our journey, I will try and paint several pictures for you.  First, we need to be grounded and have an understanding of the landscape and environment of some 60 years ago, defining our history, where we came from, and how dating and marriage evolved for many of the baby boomers.  I will share what the technological influences are on our perceptions, attitudes, relationships and dating; and most importantly, how marriage is impacted.  I will also try and outline how our society has changed up to current times in order to help underscore the pressures that exist and mount on the institution of marriage.  Even our children are seriously affected.  In the 21st century the effects of technology and its role in the “perfect marketplace” cannot be rationally separated from its environment.

 Therefore, it will be necessary to take you through the changes in our self-perception, as this directly affects how we engage with one another.  We will review the dating process, and how we relate, in order to understand the impacts of our self-evolution that has been enabled by technology.  We are in a sexual revolution that has rarely been paralleled before in our history.  Our relationships have difficulty shielding themselves from this revolution.  Even the way we perceive ourselves has impacted the dating process, how we relate to our significant others, and even society in many ways.  We need to examine these attitudes and perspectives, because after all, we must find one another before we have an opportunity to suggest getting together for that “first cup of coffee.”

In fair warning, a picture will develop that is certainly foreboding and concerning.  What is presently taking place in our society is alarming to many -- as it should be.  My endeavor is to bring these facts to light.  Those who can comprehend the gravity of the situation that is threatening our marital culture will understand that it is quite serious.  A picture might develop that is much darker than you ultimately care for.  We will observe behaviors and actitivities that are disturbing and some that are shocking.  They are, however, a hallmark of the evolution of our society and cannot be ignored.

However, I urge you to keep in mind, that, out of the darkness -- ultimately this book is about “5,000 years of light.”  Out of that light comes hope; and this must be our beacon.

Next we will examine data to understand  what track record marriages and cohabitations had in the past through modern day.